Dear Sister: Confidence, Self-Doubt & Red-Flags In Yourself

I am sitting down with Varda and Iza for this Dear Sister episode, and the moment we land on the topic of confidence, I feel that familiar knot in my stomach. Not because I am not confident today, but because I remember so clearly what it was like to not be. We talk about why so many of us hold back, how self-doubt creeps in, and why it is not enough to simply build ourselves up. We also have to look in the mirror and check the ways we might be chipping away at someone else’s confidence.

Where the underconfidence starts

Varda kicks us off with a confession that surprises me a little. She is one of the most poised communicators I know, but she tells me, “This wasn’t the Verda before.” Growing up, she was always the girl who let others speak for her. Her friends would order food, talk to the teacher, handle the world. She says the turning point came when she started doing those small things herself. Placing the order. Standing up in class. It sounds tiny, but each small act became a brick in her confidence.

I nod along because I was that girl too. Class monitor, sure. But the nerves, the fear of judgment, the little voice that says you are going to sound dumb? That was all there. “I think the lack of confidence really stems from self-doubt,” Iza adds. When you are sure of yourself, you are confident. When you are doubting how you look, how you talk, whether you are smart enough, that is when you shrink. I remember thinking maybe I do not speak up as well as my friend, or maybe I do not know enough to add to a conversation. That voice holds you back from so many things you are actually capable of.

The barrier you did not build yourself

Something I have shared before is that I am an only child. My parents did everything for me out of love and protection. I never had to speak up for myself. So when I was suddenly in situations without them, I had no idea how to handle things. I had to learn to take decisions, to talk to people, to risk messing up. And I did embarrass myself. Varda laughs knowingly. The point is not to avoid embarrassment. The point is to be kind enough to yourself to allow mistakes. “If you can humanize yourself as somebody who can make mistakes, you’re less afraid of failure,” Iza says. That hit me. What is the worst that could happen? You fail. People fail all the time. You get back up and you have a learning. The more you do something, the less frightening it becomes.

Your environment can build you or break you

We talk about the people around you. I have been lucky to have hype people in my life, but I know many girls do not. If you try something new and your friends laugh or pass a sarcastic comment, it shatters you. Iza reminds us, “You need your hype people.” And it is not just friends. It is family. Iza grew up in a household where the women were always the ones handling things, placing orders, dealing with banks, speaking up. She saw her mother take charge and that modeled something powerful. For a lot of Desi girls, the opposite happens. Families step in to protect, to do everything, and the girl never learns to advocate for herself. It becomes a survival skill you desperately need later.

Then there is the mindset piece. Some of us have a growth mindset: okay, I failed, next time I will do it like this. Others have a fixed mindset: I am just not good at this, I cannot do it. That difference determines whether you try again or never try at all. And confidence is not a permanent trophy you unlock. It goes up and down. You might be so sure of yourself in one season, and then you move to a new country, become a mother, start a new job, and suddenly you are shaky again. I know this firsthand. After having my baby, I had an identity crisis. I looked at other mothers online who seemed to have it all figured out, and I forgot they had years more experience than me. Comparison is deeply unfair, especially when you only see the end result and none of the struggle.

The red flags in ourselves

This is the point in the conversation where we pivot. We have spent so much time talking about how others should support us, but what about the ways we might be the problem? I ask: if you met yourself, would you like yourself? That question has stuck with me. We are quick to point out red flags in others, but what about the times we pass a sarcastic comment, make a joke at someone’s expense, or dismiss a friend’s excitement? Those little cuts add up. Varda shares that she has seen friendships where one person constantly makes jokes that hurt, and then gets defensive if the other person reacts. “You don’t get to choose what the other person gets offended by,” she says. If you hurt someone, even unintentionally, you can simply say sorry, that you will not do it again, and respect the boundary they just showed you. That is how we become the people we want to have around us.

I think about how we often post on Happy Chirp about setting boundaries, but we also need to talk about respecting the boundaries of others. Self-reflection is hard. It is easier to scroll and think everyone else needs to be better to us. But if everybody is expecting that, who is actually becoming better? Be the person who encourages. Do not be the friend whose jokes chip away at someone’s self-esteem. On their lowest days, people remember those comments. I never want to be someone who makes another person feel small.

For the parents listening

We touch on parenting because so many of our confidence wounds start in childhood. I am a new mom, still learning, but I have noticed something: not everything warrants a reaction. When we constantly correct, nag, or push a child to be a certain way, their inner voice starts to sound like that noise. They learn they are never doing anything right. Iza talks about how appreciation matters, but we should not make a huge deal out of every mistake either. If a child is having a tantrum, they are not in a state to learn. Their brain literally shuts down. I have learned that sometimes you just let things go. Let them choose, let them not want to interact with someone, let them have a boundary. I want my son to value the concept of boundaries from an early age, and that means I have to respect his too. It is a mental note for my future parenting: be friendly, not forceful. Let them make mistakes, and let them figure some things out on their own.

It is not always uphill

Before we wrap, I want to say this clearly: confidence is not a straight line. There will be days you feel on top of the world, and days you feel like you are back at square one. That is okay. If something makes you underconfident, figure out what it is. Is it a skill you can work on? A communication course? A habit you want to change? Or is it something you need to accept? If it is something you cannot change, acceptance is a strength. If it is something you can, take the small step. Push yourself out of your comfort zone. Do the thing enough times and the fear quiets down. And if you are in a position to support someone else, be their hype person. Do not be the reason they hesitate. Be the person who makes them feel like they can try, even if they fail. That is the kind of energy we need more of, for ourselves and for each other.