Labor Story and Mom Brain

It has been six months since I last sat behind this mic. Six months of silence, and then a whole new life. In this first episode back, I wanted to just talk to you, no guest, no agenda. I wanted to share where I have been, what happened in that time, and the honest, messy, beautiful start of my motherhood journey. This is my labor story, and the brain fog that came after.

The night everything started

I was 38 weeks pregnant, dealing with pelvic girdle pain, and feeling the lowest I had felt in a long time. I had missed a friend’s wedding, I was stuck at home, and I just needed to get out. So my husband and I went to meet some friends at a dhaba around midnight. I was fully pregnant, needing the bathroom constantly, but I pushed through because I wanted one good night. When we got home around 4:30 in the morning, I felt something off. The baby wasn’t moving the way I expected. I tried all the tricks to get him to move, and then I felt a sudden jerky movement and nothing. I panicked. We drove to the hospital, scared. They did a CTG and a scan, and everything was fine, alhamdulillah. But they also told me I was already 2.5 centimeters dilated and having mild contractions. I had been in early labor without knowing.

We went home, slept for barely an hour and a half, and then the real contractions hit. I timed them, took a shower to check if they were false, and then woke my husband. “I think it’s time.” At the hospital, I was 3.5 centimeters and dilating fast. They rushed me to the labor room. I asked for an epidural, but the anesthetist was delayed. The pain grew, and when the epidural finally came, it did not work. I started crying, not from the pain, but from the loss of hope that it would get better. They gave me another dose, and then it was like magic. No pain at all. My baby was in a hurry. I went into the hospital at 11:30 a.m., and Raphael was born at 4:45 p.m. Active labor was just four and a half hours. It was fast, smooth, but it left a mark. “I think it does leave you with some level of trauma and scarring,” I remember thinking. You are stitched up, sore, swollen, and suddenly responsible for a tiny human.

The mirror I stopped looking into

The first two to three weeks were the hardest. I was mentally down, and I did not want to look at myself in the mirror. It was subconscious at first. I realized I had stopped looking because I did not like what I saw. “I was just disgusted and I was just not happy with the way that I looked.” That scared me. I knew I was in a dangerous place. So I did two things that helped. First, I became very mindful of my emotions and behavior. Second, I accepted quickly that I would not be the same person. I could not expect to look, feel, or be the same old Humna. That acceptance gave me space. I let my life slow down. I was at my mom’s, with my baby and husband, just recovering. The baby blues, the self-esteem issues, the anxiety every night about what the night would bring, it was all there. But I managed. Days passed, months passed, and it did get better.

Who am I beyond mother?

The biggest challenge for me has been the identity crisis. I accepted I would change, but figuring out who I am now, beyond being a mother, is something I still struggle with. For the first five months, I was deep in motherhood. I was on top of it, fully present. But when I tried to return to normal life, I felt lost. I did not know how to do anything I used to do naturally. Making Instagram stories, having a conversation, knowing about the world, it all felt impossible. “I knew nothing about anything besides being a mother.” That realization hit my self-esteem hard. I would cry in little spells, and I have to stay mindful because postpartum depression can show up anytime in the first year.

Then there was the mom brain. I could not form complete sentences. I would try to explain something to my team and just stumble. I felt so dumb. “I used to feel so embarrassed,” because I could not get a point across. The sleep deprivation, the brain fog, it was a mess. Sitting here today, talking to you, I am honestly shocked I can do it. For months, I could not have a proper conversation with anyone.

The pump and the pull

Another reason it took me so long to return was exclusive pumping. I chose to breastfeed, but nursing did not work out, so I pumped and fed my baby. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done. It required so much support, and alhamdulillah I had it. But it made everything heavier. Every time I had to leave my baby to work or record, it hurt. I am still learning to balance it all.

Still in it, with you

I am not here saying I have figured it out. I am still in the journey. But I wanted to come back and let you in. This season, I will be here twice a week, solo on Tuesdays and with guests on Thursdays. I want to build a more intimate relationship with you, so please tell me what you want to hear. Leave your questions, your suggestions. Let’s figure out this space together, where women do the talking, and where we can be honest about the small things that matter, even when they are hard.