Looking Back At My Year 2021

Hello everyone, assalamu alaikum.

Since the year is ending, I thought this time on the podcast I would just talk about what this past year looked like for me. Honestly, it has probably been the most life-changing year of my life. You change a lot as a person when you become a mother, of course, and it is not just as a person. Your whole life changes. Every bit of your day is filled with doing something for another human being, and for me, it really slowed my life down. I had to take a break from everything and just focus on being present as a mom. That slowness, that simple routine of just me and my baby, was a gift. So this is just me reflecting, heart to heart.

The year slowed down

If I look back at the flow of the year, the first two months were a whirlwind. January and February were super fast because I had launched two planners with my small business at the time, and I was recording the podcast that very morning. Then March arrived and my son was born, and it felt like my life story just slowed right down. So much of the year became about understanding motherhood and navigating that change. My days were made of small, repetitive tasks, like the constant cycle of nap, feed, burp, and then do it all over again. It was mundane in the most beautiful way, and it automatically brought a stillness I had not known before.

My proudest feat

When I think about the thing I am most proud of this year, it has to be breastfeeding. When my baby was born, he had a tongue tie and could not latch to take milk directly. So I decided to exclusively pump, and I did that for seven months. It was incredibly difficult, especially at the start. When you pump, it is not just feeding. I pumped every two hours, then I fed the baby every two hours, and then I had to wash all the pump parts every two hours. It was three full tasks instead of one. Often, by the time I finished the cycle and lay down, the baby would be up again in another 45 minutes. I am so proud of sticking with that.

But an even bigger thing happened. I did not just pump for my own baby. I pumped for another baby too. There was a mother and baby case where the mother contracted a severe case of covid and was hospitalized. She had to deliver her baby early and could not tend to him. The baby was also hospitalized and specifically needed breast milk, not formula, and I became one of the donors. For the longest time, I was the only donor for that baby. I made the decision that if my milk was not enough for both babies, I would switch my own son to formula and continue giving my milk to her baby because I knew he needed it more for his survival. Alhamdulillah my son was alright, but that other baby really, really needed it. I really rank that as my top achievement for this year.

What I am grateful for

This year was deeply family-oriented, and I am so grateful for that. My connection with my in-laws grew so much better after they came back, and I got to spend real time with them. My sister-in-law visited from the U.S. With two of my nieces, and those relationships deepened beautifully. I also met my brother after a long time. He was right in the middle of the pandemic in Spain, and in 2021 he finally visited and got to see my son. I spent a lot of time with my mother too, going over and staying with her, and with my sister. The one thing I am truly grateful for this year are relationships and family.

The highlight is motherhood

The absolute highlight of my year has to be the birth of my son and everything that has to do with him. I have enjoyed motherhood so much, Alhamdulillah. I cannot be more grateful for it. Obviously, it is tough, but the amount of joy and enjoyment I have had surpasses it all. I struggled with work for sure, but I loved being a mother, and maybe that is why I did. My heart and my mind were always in being a mom. I was more present in that role, and I loved everything about it. Because I followed my heart, I do not really have regrets. There were things I was not able to do in other areas, but I truly wanted to spend my time in the motherhood role, thoroughly enjoying it.

I also want to be honest about mom guilt. I hardly felt guilty this year. If I did some work or left my baby with help, I did not feel guilty because there was nothing wrong with doing that. He was well taken care of and went to sleep on time. What I felt instead was grief. I would miss him so much that I would cry because I was simply sad to miss a moment or the bedtime routine I so enjoy. I think many of us grieve more than we feel guilty, and it is important to name that.

Being kind while wanting better

One thing I want to improve for next year is living a healthier, more disciplined, and organized lifestyle. I am a very disciplined and organized person at my core, but that really went down the drain this year. It is tough to maintain that when you have a child, a lack of sleep, and a life revolving around your baby. I called myself a loser and a total wreck one too many times for not being disciplined, but then I soon realized this was not something I could do right now. I forgave myself for being a total wreck and decided to be kind to myself.

But there is a limit. I do not want to make my circumstances an excuse for the rest of my life. I will always, Inshallah, have a child, and maybe more in the future, so I cannot live my life always feeling out of control. I have realized that if you want to live your life a certain way, you have to work for it. Next year, I plan to get it together, to take all the things I can control under my control, and start showing up as the woman I want to be. Not feeling good in your own skin is not a permanent state, and I am ready to meet the core of myself again.

Why this matters

I think reflection is such an important part of who I am. It is what December is about for me, and I wanted to share these small and big pieces of my year with you. This conversation is an invitation to look at your own year with honesty. Not in a toxic positivity way that paints everything as perfect, but in a way that lets you name your proudest achievements, your softest joys, and also the areas you are ready to leave behind. I would love to know your highlights, your proudest moments, and what you are most grateful for. What did your year teach you?