Saving Your Marriage Through Couples Therapy Ft. Zara Maqbool

This one is a conversation I have been wanting to have for a long time. I sit down with Zara Maqbool, a psychotherapist based in Islamabad, and we go deep into what therapy actually is, why it is not just for people with a diagnosed problem, and how it can save a marriage before it breaks. We talk about the messy, complicated reality of relationships, the childhood scripts we all carry into our adult lives, and why simply talking to someone for an hour can change everything. It is an honest, detailed look at the work that happens inside a therapist’s room, and why that work matters for all of us.

Therapy is not just for problems

Zara tells me that when she was in college in the 90s, she fell in love with psychology. But back then, her understanding was limited. “The only profession I can pursue within the field of psychology is to become a psychiatrist,” she remembers thinking. She ended up doing a masters in mass communication and worked as a writer for twenty years. It was only later, when she moved to Islamabad and stumbled upon a counseling course, that she realized a whole other path existed. She started with a self-awareness course, got fascinated by her own psyche, and kept going. Now she has an independent practice and continues to train and grow.

One of the biggest misconceptions she wants to clear up is that you need a big, obvious problem to go to therapy. “People think you need to have a problem and then you need to go to therapy,” she says. But therapy is not just problem solving. If a client has lost a father, she cannot bring him back. If someone has financial problems, she cannot fix them outside the room. What therapy does is help you understand yourself. It helps you witness your own patterns. That awareness leads to experience, and experience leads to change. She gives the example of a people pleaser who cannot say no. Through therapy, that person first understands they allow people to walk all over them. Then a quieter part of them, the part that can be assertive, starts to wake up. They try it in the world, feel anxious, come back to the therapist for reassurance, and slowly grow. “It is literally like a child that grows through the journey of infancy to adulthood,” she explains.

The courage to open up

I ask Zara about the hesitation so many people feel. How do you open yourself up to a stranger? She does not sugarcoat it. “It is a big risk,” she says plainly. “Accept that it is a big risk. You don’t have to fight that.” Her advice is practical. Sign up for one session. Ask your therapist where they are trained from. Ask if they have a supervisor. This last point is crucial, and she says a lot of people in Pakistan do not know it. Every therapist should have a supervisor, someone they are accountable to for their ethics and their work. When Zara feels stuck with a client, she takes that client’s information to her supervisor, without naming them, to explore her own blind spots. She also tells clients upfront if she notices they have a Facebook friend in common, just to assure them she is aware of the potential discomfort. These small acts of transparency build the safety that makes the vulnerable work possible.

And if the first therapist does not feel right? She says it is okay to do a little “therapist shopping.” Someone with fewer certificates might still be an incredibly important space for you. The relationship itself is a big part of the healing.

Every relationship acts out a childhood script

This is the part of the conversation that really made me pause. Zara explains that when two people come together, they are often unconsciously looking for a parent. After the honeymoon period fades, they start expecting the other person to compensate for their childhood wounds. A woman who had an absent father might be attracted to a man who is very available, but a few months later, when he is not available in exactly the way she needs, the old pain surfaces. A man might want his wife to be the nurturing mother he never had. It gets even more complicated. Sometimes we are drawn to people who resemble the parent who hurt us, because there is a deep, unconscious fantasy that this time, the story will end differently. “My mother could not change, but this man will become different,” Zara says, describing that hidden hope. “And that means I can be different.”

This is why couples therapy is so powerful. When you are in the middle of a fight, it is almost impossible to be objective. You are emotionally and mentally entangled, and in a culture with joint family systems, there are even more layers of involvement. A therapist can help you see when you are transferring feelings from your past onto your spouse. Zara describes a moment when a partner says something in a certain tone and you feel a huge reaction rise up. That reaction is a cue. It is a threat to your current relationship, but it is also information. It tells you there is unprocessed trauma. Your spouse cannot compensate for the loss you had as a child, but together, you can start to understand it.

What trauma really means

We often think of trauma as a single, catastrophic event. Zara broadens that definition. Yes, it can be a loss, physical abuse, or an incident that causes PTSD. But she has also seen, in her work, how trauma can be quieter. Being bullied in school. Feeling that your parents preferred your sibling. Not having a single person in your family you could go to for comfort. She asks every client a simple question: “When you were young, if you needed some sort of comfort, who was your go-to person?” For so many, there was no one. That classic introvert who kept it all in for years, until it finally became too much and showed up as anxiety, a panic attack, or depression. That is trauma too.

Healing starts with sharing. When a person can tell their story to another person in a completely safe space, it is no longer a secret they have to carry alone. That alone is healing. Then the work becomes about understanding the script you wrote for yourself as a result of that trauma, and slowly writing a new one.

The abuser and the abused

I ask Zara a question I think about often. We talk so much about victims of abuse coming to therapy to heal. But what about the abusers? Are they coming in? She tells me she has worked with abusers, and sometimes, the person who walks in as a victim is also an abuser in their own way. She notes that in couples therapy, when a man sits down and allows a woman to give him feedback, half the work is already done. She has worked with people who were abused as children and then became abusers themselves. They carried immense remorse, some fell into drug addiction, but through therapy, they were able to make different decisions.

She also points out that abuse is not just about men. Women have their own ways of abusing. And she offers a sharp insight into the psychology behind it. “Power is one side of the coin and helplessness is another.” When we cannot tolerate our own helplessness, we can flip into a need for power. The person who felt powerless as a child might become the arrogant boss, the controlling partner. Understanding that link is the beginning of breaking the cycle.

Small things that matter for your mind

Toward the end of our conversation, we talk about all the other forms of healing. Zara walks forty minutes a day. She believes in physical movement, in spiritual connection, in whatever practice helps a person feel grounded. But she is clear that therapy is a foundational first step. “A mental health professional is your first place through which you can learn about your mind, and then that can open avenues for all kinds of healing.” She also talks about the collective trauma we are all carrying right now, with inflation, with the aftermath of Covid, with the heaviness you can feel just walking down the street. Those of us who can afford therapy and do the work on ourselves, she says, can then hold space for others. A self-aware person who spends fifteen minutes really listening to a stranger can shift the energy around them.

I share with her how writing changed my own life. How putting my feelings into words helped me move from reacting to responding. Zara agrees completely. She often asks clients to write, because it slows the mind down and allows for real reflection. It is one of those small, consistent practices that can keep you connected to yourself when the world feels loud and overwhelming.

This conversation left me feeling so much clarity. Zara has a way of explaining the most complex inner workings with such warmth and directness. If you have ever wondered whether therapy is for you, or what actually happens in that room, I hope this episode gives you the nudge you needed. It is not about being broken. It is about finally understanding the person you have been living with your whole life: yourself.